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Long ago, there was a man named Arnold Freeman. Arnold had always wanted to be a ship captain. He often dreamed of sailing a great vessel, more than 2,000 feet long. This ship would be called the η±δΈζ―. He would sail to far away lands, and meet all kinds of strange people. Arnold devoted his life to becoming a captain, but one day he got into a terrible accident...
It was a hot summer day at the dock. Arnold was working hard cleaning his father's boat for next time he goes out fishing. He was scrubbing the deck, thinking about his dreams... "One dayeth I shalleth becomest a captain! I prithee for that day.... " Arnold says. A dark shadow hangs over him. He quickly turns around to see two men armed with swords. "Arg!! Thy father owes me gold! I hath killed many O' men who hath failed to pay me!" The bearded one says. He reeks of fish and seaweed. Judging by his beard, Arnold takes it that the bearded fellow is in charge of the other. "I beseech you! spareth my life! I do not knoweth of this gold that is owed!" Arnold says. The bearded man replies, " Heed me sirrah, thou must cease thine incessant words!" The bearded man points the sword at Arnold's chest. Just as Arnold began pleading his way out, the bearded man pulls the sword back then quickly slices Arnold's hand off clean. Arnold screams in pure agony, writhing on the deck in pain. Arnold screams out, "Fie!! Thou art a villain!"
Suddenly, Arnold realised he was a Muslim(joke)! He pulled a bomb out of his tuckus and blew up both men. Arnold quickly stitched his hand back on and got to work on the boat.
Unfortunately, arnold did not know how to stitch the hand back on correctly. Over time the hand began to rot. The smell became unbearable for Arnold, and he was eventually forced to cut off his hand again.
As a result, Arnold had to look for a new hand. As he was walking down the road one day, he saw a dead dog. He grabbed the body and ran to the doctors. He got the dogs head stitched on by a doctor where his hand used to be. Now he had two feet, one hand and two hands.
But Arnold wonders how can this help him become a captain of his own ship...
He quickly discovered the dogs head had a mind of its own. It would often bark uncontrollably at other people. On several occasions the head would eat his meals. Arnold did not know what to do about this, so he went to see a physic, hoping she could shed some light on the situation.
The psychic turned out to be stinking of a female dog in heats pheromones and the dogs head launched at her and started chasing her, dragging Arnold around by the dog head, like in cartoons.
But the phychic had an idea. She scrambled up a tree where the dog head couldn't get her. She then began to mix a potion out of the supriseing amount of bugs and chemicals she had in her cloak. When she was finished, she poured a jar of the rancid liquid onto Arnold and his dog head hand...
....jumped the tree and ate her to death. Luckily, that was only a decoy.
The real phychic was miles away, and used the liquid to control the mind of the dog. Unfortunately, the potion had also gotten on Arnold, so by controlling the mind of the dog, she must also control Arnold's mind.
But the damage was already done. By the time the dogs managed to bite off her face... The rancid liquid was burning the flesh of the dog hand. Within a few seconds, there was nothing left but a charred stump where the dog heads used to be. He sat down in the grass and proceeded to staring at his stump. For an hour he did this. Then another hour passed. Then another, until a thought came to his mind.... "Thine dog hand of mine, t'was befitted with a sense of companionship. Alas, it has departed from me hence. Furthermore if I shall acquire more of thy parts I shall be something, lest I become nothing". And so, Arnold proceeds to chopping off his leg to replace it with that of a ostrich's. He chops off his other hand(no details need to be known of how he did this) and replaced it with that of a donkey's hoove. The result was not that he expected. He was shunned from society, and was driven from his town. He ran as far as he could... He ran and ran until he couldn't feel his ostrich foot anymore. He falls to the ground, tears streaming down his face. "Nooooo!!! Mine life is that of a freak! " Arnold says.He curls into a ball and cries even more in pure dismay. The crying is that of a man who has lost everything. "Wherefore dost I go? I hast lost all purpose mine life." He continues weeping until he notices a shadow growing over him once more. Thinking that its the men again he screams, "Get thee hence villains! I hath nothing more left!" He quickly spins around... But to his surprise its not the fellows from before. "Hark! I Knoweth of a haven for thou. We must leave ere daybreak. Hie, thither doth the sun arise." A cloaked man says.....
Who turns out to be a woman! She says "Ith haveth cometh toth maketh youth betterth myth friendth."
She force feeds Arnold doggy doo-doo. Arnold jumps up and exclaims "Thanketh youth soth muchth kidth wenchth!"
The woman angrily exclaims "Ith noth ath wenchth! Fearth meth!" She proceeds to punch Arnold in the jaw, knocking him out cold.
* * *
10 hours later, Arnold wakes up an organ donor. His left kidney and right lung are gone. "Owth!" he exclaims.
He also noticed that since this woman started talking to him, his shakespearean langauge turned into some twisted look alike of it....
"Ohth noth!" Arnold screamed "Myth speechth hasth becometh ath joketh!"
Arnold looks around, and discovers he is in a cave. "I musteth exploreth this placeth!" he excaimed. Arnold finds a thick wooden door, but there is no handle, so he doesn't try to open it.
Arnold takes a torch (the fire kind) and moves deeper into the cave. There are chainsaws all around him, however Arnold doesn't know what a chainsaw is, or how to use one. He continues deeper into the cave and discovers hundreds of barrels with the word "flammable" on them. Arnold does not know how to read, so he decides to move closer to them, carrying his torch.
Suddenly, the barrels explode, making a cave painting of Arnold. His head stays in one piece and quite alive though.
Arnold continues down the cave, his severed head sprouting legs and arms...
...but no body! Only limbs...
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